emotional....

there are certain point of time in life, i suddenly step on the brake and stop to think. i never fail to feel empty, emotional and nostalgia. i hate to say it, but i feel like crying. i remember the last time i cried really hard was 4 years ago. yet it seem so much like yesterday....

i returned home from school to hear news from my mum that my auntie had passed away. how the hell is that possible, i saw her not long ago and she was perfectly fine. what happened? apparently, she suffered from a sudden burst blood vessel. so, she left the family, the world, like an item of a magic show.

i cried really hard that day, i couldnt control it. all the emotions just came out, i know exactly why did i cry. i was damn scared.... totally freaked out in fact. burst blood vessel? what the hell? why did this had to happen to someone i am so close to? fuck, i hate life. i question god.

my uncle is a man, he supressed all his emotions. he didnt have a chance to cry, he was busy with the preparations of the funeral. more importantly, he has 5 kids to look after. (3 are his own, the other 2 are kinda 'adopted'. its a long story) he cant collapse, but that year's chinese new year.... he totally broke down after a few cans of beer. this is the first time i see a man in such a pitiful state, you will just feel like hugging him and tell him everything will be all right. time will heal, allow time to heal.

everyday is a rush, apparently a rush to meet other's expectations of me. a mad rush to prove myself, my worth, my values. where am i heading in life? i may know i want to work in the media, but is this enough? how am i going to lead my life in future? the typical singapore way where i will buy a shelter, a car, start a family, feed the family, and pray that my children will feed me back when i am old am worthless?

i think i need a big hug and possibly a good cryout. but my uncle is the man. as for my auntie, rest in peace for everything cant be any better. god bless.